Post Modern Existentialist Anxiety

2003-12-06T14:55:00.000+08:00

I'm not good with goodbye's

Off to the airport,
I hate goodbye's, specially someone real close.
You come to terms that he'll no longer be there
to listen to the whining, bitching, complains and et cetera.
He's gone. Who's to replace his company?
The bestest guy friend.
Like a girl's soul trapped in a boy's body.
We talk for hours about everything and anything.
I'm missing you hell lot.
Hurry back some time soon.

Mallory's for Nickee's surprise mini party.
To put it simply it was cosy nice.
A lil gathering and off I went at 6 in the morning.
A snapple at Coffee Bean's - evening, with the classmates.
We did the usual catching up.

Sos at night read hell boring!
My babe Min wasn't there and that makes it worse.
Crowd wasn't that good.
Eye candies there, yummy. *grins at Mal.
Home with Derek and Bhuvan.

Probably stay home today.
Been out to much and I'm flat broke.

2003-12-03T00:42:00.000+08:00

I need company

Entertained by boys who could not behave themselves
Being all silly acting as camera crew
of some top notch production company.
To town at first with the intention to shop
with the 'oh i didn't forget the long lost bestie'
Light entertainment,
off we went to Hendrix
to drink the Monday blues away.
Spell b o r i n g.
To lorong Ah Soo It was.
For ages we sat waiting
for the planners to come up
with a perfect plan to kill time
Intention to drink but alas we wasted 10.65.
5 of us squeezed in a cab.
Techno blasting through the sound system.

I have dark circles under my eyes.
Sleepless nights. Rude awakening dreams.
I hate holiday periods.
Hand me some sleeping pills.

Job hunting next week.
Pass me the cheque please.
The class girlies and me.
Time to do more serious shopping.
Money come money goes.

Friday - out with the darling Min.
Sentosa morning. *prays hard for the sun
Town late afternoon.
Probably drinking session evening.

He's leaving the other's working.
I need late night company.
Any takers?

2003-11-27T21:25:00.000+08:00

I don't know whether my blog is still working
but when i entered the url add
someone else's blog popped up.

I'm blogging just to see whether it publishes
and if i can still see the blog page.

2003-11-22T21:19:00.000+08:00

Smile for it's all over now

Picture
Livin my life in a slow hell
Different girl every night at the hotel
I ain't seen the sunshine
In three damn days
Been fuelin'up on cocaine and whiskey
Wish I had a good girl to miss me
Lord I wonder if I'll ever change my ways
I put your picture away
Sat down and cried today
I can't look at you while I'm lying next to her
I put your picture away
Sat down and cried today
I can't look at you while I'm lying next to her

I called you last night in the hotel
Everyone knows but they won't tell
But their half-hearted smiles tell me somethin' just ain't right
I've been waitin' on you for a long time
Fuelin' up on heartaches and cheap wine
I ain't heard from you in three damn nights
I put your picture away
I wonder where you been
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to him
I put your picture away
I wonder where you been
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to him

I saw you yesterday with an old friend
It was the same old same how've you been?
Since you've been gone my worlds been dark and grey
You reminded me of brighter days
I hoped you were comin' home to stay
I was headed to church
I was off to drink you away

I thought about you for a long time
Can't seem to get you off my mind
I can't understand why we're living life this way
I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I just called to say I love you, come back home

*to GOD:
I see no concern of you to bother
whether i did mug or basically played around.
It's up to me to judge my standards.
I should know better.
And since it's a holiday part time job,
it has nothing to do with my education qualification
whether they'll pay me big bucks
since i have yet to get back my results.

2003-11-18T23:01:00.000+08:00

Shadowed Chaos

Nothing but a shadow of a dream,
Subconscious feeling of strange sensation,
yet unconscious and relaxed
What a pleasant nightmare
and everytime i close my eyes
there's another vivid surprise.
It's like another life waiting for me and chapters unfinished.
Fading when i open my eyes.
I struggle to understand myself.
My brain is at war with the shattered heart
I want to set my own pace and leave behind time.
I wonder, I fantasize, I question myself, I'm left stumped without a clue.
Life and its wonders, what's there in store for me?
I live life for tomorrow. Is it worth while to wait?
Today, Tomorrow, what difference does it make anyways.
Sometimes I repeat the same mistakes
but instead of leaving the situation alone, I 'run' with it.
The result of my unsettled state,
due to the poor judgement and bad choices I make.
I want out, Reality Bites.
Come dance with me in my own little made up world. Any takers?

Ten Best Things' why I love today.
1 Only having two more papers left. Woohoo!
2 The weather was nice to sleep in
3 I did nothing productive today and yet I feel comfortable about it. -Grins-
4 I'm sitting in front of my comp with the cable up instead of tolerating with the 56k for the past week
5 I have a crush on someone (oopsie)
6 I didn't spend any cash thanks to being cooped up at home
7 I cooked mself a delicious meal for dinner
8 Basically I'm crazily mad
9 I'm just killing time entertaining my own stupidity
10 Finally I've reached ten!

2003-11-17T11:25:00.000+08:00

I'M B A C K

Now now, how long has it been? Donkey eyon years!
Had the one week break from O's.
And not once did I spend my time hitting the books,
though I tried but this brain of mine is dead and
it can't seem to absorb any important facts.
So I spent my days with the other 2 musketeers (Sann & Min)

Supper to roadblock, Tanning to clubbing.
That's what I've been up too and in a few hours time
I'd be sitting for my Geog paper with not a single clue in the world
how I'm gonna pull through. I'm hoping for a good grade in humans
but maybe I should reconsider that eh.
On a lighter note I have two more papers left. Woohoo!!
After Friday I can burn this uniform and my books.
I wash my hands of Secondary School!

I need to find a job that pays big bucks,
And when I get my first pay cheque
I'll reward myself with retail theraphy and what nots.
Not forgetting that my Darling Min and Derek's birthday
is just around the corner.

I'm crazy paranoid.
I'm suffering from manic depression!
H E L P

2003-11-02T15:17:00.000+08:00

I'd love to fly away from here
Some things still hang vividly against the backdrop of my mind.
Like a brilliant play with the rich black velvet curtains
ready to glide closed over the stage.

I hate you.
I feel so stupid to even bother trying to be friends with you still.
There's so many questions I'd like to ask you.The awful truth.
He told me what you thought of the relationship from the start.
You're darn well am very good with your words.
Whatever that was said was all utter bullshit?
I gave you the benefit of a doubt and all along my intuition was actually right.
Stupid stupid me.

I tried ignoring your presence,
I kept my distance but you're always in my sight.
When you talked to me
I tried to see things in a different way, your point of view,
tried to save the friendship.
It was best if we didn't even acknowledge each other.
I guess it's my own fault
for falling for the same person I should have
never fallen for in the first place.
I hate you, don't you even dare ask me why
and don't even try making conversations with me.

Lately I have been very unhappy.
So she's your girlfriend
you have all the right to believe what she says and trust her
but I don't have all the time in the world to entertain both your nonsense.
Go figure who's telling the truth or who's lying I don't give two fucks about it.
I'm guilt free and I have better things to concentrate on.
I'd rather stay away from the both of you.

Confusion.
Somedays i feel like i'm getting better.
Somedays I dont feel so insane.
But then I realize how temporary this feeling is.
Some people say I'm obsessive compulsive.
Some people say I'm suffering from an anxiety disorder.
Some people say its depression.
I say I'm running from my own madness and confusion.
My own tangled mind.
I dont want out of my skin, I want away from my mind

2003-10-28T18:12:00.000+08:00

J a d e d
Caught matchstick men today. Nice story, a good plot.
I'd recommend to those who's pondering on watching,
please do catch it.
I shopped. Got myself a dress and some lingerie.
Mum was my atm for the day.
Since I was next to Suntec decided to meet up with Michael.
He was with Nesh. They ended work much earlier than the rest.
We left and persuaded Michael into taking the train with us,
That poor fellar. He alighted with me and took 25 home.

It's the study break now and am planning
to go back to school to mug.
It'll be a better choice than home with all this temptations,
like now for example. Maaha.
I haven't been putting 100% effort.
I'm just soo doom. Brought it upon myself.

I'm lost and confused.
Don't know what to do.
There's so many things running through my mind,
but he is not one of the reasons.
I'm way over him. Like finally. Three cheers for me.

I think I'll end it off here, I'm sprouting rubbish
and whinning on and on about lil insignificant things.

toodles

2003-10-24T00:38:00.000+08:00

Tears . Confessions . The last Time together
God could it be? 5 years swift by so quickly just like that.
It seems like only yesterday we were back
in our Sec 1 days.
Today was the final day for us the remaining graduating classes.
Tears shed, everyone hugging, dedications.
I'll miss school. The classes the corridors where we spend
half our life sitting out there bitching away.
The canteen and it's oh so boring food.
The late nights in school mugging away.
The activities held that bonds the schoolmates together.
Not forgetting the class of Secondary 5.2.
I love you guys and you guys know that.
There's so much to be written but I guess it boils down
to the same old same old messages that have been said
so I shan't go down that lane.
Thank you for being such sweethearts
Specially to the usual clique. You guys know who you are

My heart's at ease, I feel a sense of relief.
Today was like an emotional rollercoaster but in a postive kind of way.
I managed to say goodbye to a particular person
that I use to have a teeny crush on and
I also have a lil confession for a certain someone
that I'll keep till after my O's.

Basically this entries just about the day.
I just thought of blogging about it.

It seems like each of us have our own problems
but on the surface it looks like
our lifes are coming together
and going perfectly fine
Accept for the mugging.
O's are sponging our energies away.
What a physical and emotional torture this period is
but I'm praying for each and everyone of you
lil angels that each of you will pull through
and make it big someday.
[ s e c 5 . 2 ]

2003-10-22T22:36:00.000+08:00

Cob webs and dust
Due to the cranky comp I have, it's difficult
to keep this thing updated.
But the comps stable now, got it serviced.

Been mugging my life away.
Subject hopping from one to the other,
I never do complete one particular subject fully,
I'd jump to another when it gets tideous and monotenous.
How the hell am I gonna complete the revision?

I miss the company of my girlies.
I don't see them as often anymore,
can't wait for this whole stressful period to end.
Sann called today when I was studying.
I miss you sweetie, that was a nice conversation
we had catching up on the lil bits and pieces
of both our life. Out we go on Friday for coffee?
I miss Min dearie, Sann my sweetie, Darling Mel,
Nickee the princess and the one and only Ayuni.

Left Changi Airport late and boarded 24 home.
Sharifah and I spotted two eye candies from St.Pat's
in the bus. My oh my were there hot. Wooot. Maaahaha.

A few more weeks and I'm free free free.
Like finally!

The thought of you and her together
pains my heart.
At first I was angry, annoyed, pissed.
But life's like that.
I can't seem to get rid of you,
you're everywhere.
Especially around my friends.
I'm not trying to be selfish
and yes they're your friends too but
I just don't wish to hear about you
or see you around.
Argh! It's irritating.

2003-10-13T19:33:00.000+08:00

The Way I Feel
New song up,
I'll update this in a bit
right now I'm off to get some school work done.

Lately I've been wandering
Off the narrow path
You've given me so many things that I've never had
And all in all I know it's you that always pulls me through
If you reach deep inside you'll see my heart is true

Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice

The world I know is pulling me
More and more each day
I feel like the odd man out as I begin to pray
Spiteful eyes are watching me
With everything I do
In the midst of darkness Lord
My spirit calls for you

(You know sometimes deep inside)
I feel like this

2003-10-11T22:20:00.000+08:00

To Put The Past Behind
Clubbed last night. Boring old Hendrix it was.
Everyone came down for Mel's lil birthday gathering.
It felt like old times. The surrounding was crap
but I had a blast with them girlies.
Saw my eye-candy there before we left
and that made the night a whole lot better.
After which Sann and I slept over at Chel's.
Decided on waking up bright an early and rush to school
for my extra lessons but I decided to pass on that.

Us three had breakfast at the nearby coffeeshop.
Had the Chicken Rice for free since darling Sann
forgot to pay up and the stall owner didn't
bother asking for the money.
The day was simple and nice, we reminisced about the good old days.
How geeky we were and yada yada.
It's weird that on the whole, we all have went through
vicious quarrells and things are looking up.

I'm back to the mundane routine of mugging for the O's,
but somethings bothering me.
As I'm staring here in front of my comp
It's all coming to me in a rush even when I'm writing this.
Why did I do some of the things I did?
It is not a question that has one answer.
There's a lot of bullshit I still have to sift through,
even with myself before I can find out the real truth.

Love, a feeling that chemically is no different
than eating large quantities of chocolate,
can be so addicting that even the most
hopeless of cynics will bleed, fight and die for it.
Even for all the wrong reasons

2003-10-10T18:38:00.000+08:00

I Need a Miracle to pull me through this period of Hell
The most irritating thing about stupid passwords is
that it takes up half the time remembering it.
Realised that the tag-board was not functioning,
so I decided to change it. It's up and running now.
Leave a tag sweeties.
I managed to change the ugly blue rose picture
to something that fits nicely. It's rather plain but who gives.
I'm too tired to go on and on searching for the perfect wallpaper.

Should I be alarmed at the chaotic rush that O's are coming?
Well anyway, My Darling Melissa is celebrating
her sort of early Birthday gathering
today and I told them I'll make it down.
I'm just not sure whether I should.
I'm pressed for time due to the lack of studies
at the beginning of the year
but here I am making room for all this.
Like always I'd tell myself just one time and that won't affect anything
and that there won't be a slight notice at all.

I got home early today after the Mock exam.
Had lunch with Hottie dearest before we headed home.
I'm drained, there's no more space in this lil brain of mind
to store any more informations and formulas
I've been practising Maths and it seems like
it's heading nowhere. God I am that bad!

Realised that today's the 10.
Would have been our 3rd month actually
if things didn't go wayward.
But all's good now.
Life's been much better - Simple and less complicated

2003-10-07T21:35:00.000+08:00

Yesterday's Story
How long has it been? Weeks? Perhaps.
Decided on an update, the blog seems dead and abandoned.
I thought of going on a hiatus. Blogger's not second nature anymore,

Well life have been a roller-coaster whirlwind ride.
The ups and downs.
Things got further complicated when I work things out with him.
I guess I was praying for a miracle
hoping things do work out perfectly fine
but luck's just not on my side.
We're officially over.
Life is harsh, cold and tiring.
He was far from perfect but no matter how I try,
he's constantly on my mind.
My heart's still in a million unrecognisable pieces.
The feeling never really goes away.
I know I'm a fool
and yes I know that he's interested in someone
and yes I do know that there's never
a shot in hell that there'll ever be 'us' again.
I suppose this situation requires more processing
than I'm willing to give it right now.
Trying to not careless about his existence.

On a lighter note, Graduation Night was superb.
Ceremony was rather plain and boring
but the picture taking and the classmates made the Night enlightening.
Finally a closure to Secondary School life,
I'm left with the big O's looming just round the corner.
Just that extra mile more and it's all over,
my entire 5 years existence in school.

Today my heart is big and sore
It's trying to push right through my skin
Won't see you anymore
I guess that's finally sinking in
Cause you can't make somebody see
With the simple words you say
All their beauty from within
Sometimes they just look away
Some better way to say goodbye

2003-09-22T19:29:00.000+08:00

All Things Random
I hate the picture at the top, there's nothing nice to put up. I
'll just bear with this for the moment.
Anyways life's been stress free this past few days.
Took a break from the studying and back to mugging again tomorrow.

Been spending my time with Jilly girl and my lovely classmates.
Out I went to town on Friday with the classmates
window shopping for our Grad Night dresses. Nothing that I fancy.
Bumped into the all time Best Friend Ayuni and slacked with her.
Loads of catching up and her friends were great.
Darling came down and us 6 had dinner.
They left and he decided to club. He sent me off and home it was.
I spent Saturday lazing around the house doing practically nothing.
On Sunday I met up with the Jilly girl, Michael and Bert off for Mass
for a short while after which we slacked and home for us all.
School today, we had Youth Mission.
It was a tad boring but yet it was nice, touching, inspirational
I can't actually figure out what fits the description of today's Youth Mission
but it got me thinking, I miss my different group of friends.
It made me realise how important they are to me.
I don't wish to live and be apart from them but somewhere along that line
life goes on, new friends made the old ones are still there
but rather further apart.
Well anyways, lunch with the usual classmates,
we were being corny and basically laughing our arse off
at silly words that tickled us. I love them and I'm fond of them.
I realise that this year pass by extremely fast
and apparently the other 4 years in secondary school pass by pretty fast too.
Did you ever wonder if it was time that was moving or you?
Did you ever wonder if you could make it stop?
because it seems like life was just a rush of thoughts, people, situations
and moments that I just didnt get the chance to taste
and it frightens me that everything is such a whirlwind
when all I want to be is just a breeze.

Well that basically sums up the lack of entries posted.

2003-09-19T12:38:00.000+08:00

The Same Old Story
I want to write so eloquently
that every word I speak
is profound enough
to cut life into pieces,
pieces worth salivating for,
pieces to be savored one bite at a time.

Prelims are finally over. Break for us today and I'll be going out with the girlies from class. Town it'll be to shop for our Grad Night Dresses. I dread to get back my results. I know I screwed up almost the whole entire thing. I tried revising but I have a short attention-span. It's over whelming that the O's are in two months time. Everything seems so wrong, Where am I going? So dazed and confused, lost and annoyed.

On a lighter note, life's been better. Been spending time with him and Jill sweet-pea. I love her so and am very happy for her that things are working great between her and her new found crush. He and I have worked out the differences. We're giving this a second shot, right now I want to enjoy the moment and not think of the 'what ifs' and the possibilty of it ending any time soon. I guess it's good to make yourself believe in something, it is better then not believing at all. He's been great and I like him for being him.

Another day and the page is turned
And the story begins
And when the book is closed and put upon the dusty shelf
It'll be long forgotten till one day when you chance upon that lil book
You'll realise after all those years all those stories
It will always be as beautiful as it ever was
For a book contains reality and memories only as the clock contains time

2003-09-17T22:12:00.000+08:00

A Different Look
Finally gotten down to changing the blogskin and now I'm rather tired to blog.
Have yet to change the picture of Pharell, don't even want that as my wallpaper.
Well will get down to blogging a proper entry soon.

2003-09-11T12:51:00.000+08:00

The Good Old Times
Met up with Jill girlie at Tampines, Trev, Nickee and Min joined us much later. Over to Sann's for a get together. Mel, Jason, Jill Seah, ermm Hui Yi and Yip were there too. A lil reunion for our group. Things were much different from the times we used to prance around Sann's place and cook Tom yam maggie all the time and Indian poker and King. Those were the memories we had. But yesterday was simple and plain, just capturing the moment together.

Headed down to Hendrix after with Mel, Jason, Nickee, Trev, Carmen and Min. Took pictures after pictures in the train. Min was just clicking away. Got in for free all thanks to Fairus. Hey thanks anyways. Not that many familiar faces, cramped, packed, we were squashed. A few eye candies, there was one particular one, he's just oh so cute. haha. After a while Nickee and I were too tired to club any further but we stayed on till about 3 plus and home it was. All dirty, took a nice long shower and off I went to sleep.

Saw you there yesterday but it's a different weird feeling. Seems like you're rather distant and cold. The way we talk on the phone and now seeing you in person is just different, can't seem to find any other word to descibe it. Maybe I was wrong to allow the conversations to carry on when it was over, we need time to take a breather.

Just when I thought things were alright
You came in and broke my heart
My stomach's full of butterflies
The thought of you gone, it tears me apart
So stop me now
Stop my thoughts cause you're killin me
But you don't know
Even though we've grown apart
I'll still be there for you

Just a Memory

2003-09-10T12:06:00.000+08:00

Pretty Colourful Stripes
Spent yesterday with Sann and my mum. Dinner and a movie for us three. Caught Pirates, that's what Sann and I refer the show as. The title's just to long and it doesn't sound that enticing but the show was helluva funny, with it's sacarstic humor and good cast of actors. Sann and I couldn't stop giggling or should I say actually just the two of us laughing throughout.
Headed to Borders after and we spotted pretty lil note-books, with colourful stripes, and loads of other beautiful lil stuff.
I truly enjoyed my day, the three of us laughed, talked about being hip and square and what nots. Though it was something Sann and I don't often do nowadays, yesterday was simple and lovely. A different warmth feeling. We don't exactly go in depth about our lives or what's going on we just get together and things end up perfect. Quoted by her 'It's like a friend the kind where you sit on the porch and say nothing at all and felt like its the best conversation ever.'

I just have so much on my mind. So much i'm supposed to be doing. Things I should be doing better than I'm doing now. Certain ways I should be living my life, moving on from certain issues, and just being a solid person. I know I put too much pressure on myself. Everyone who knows me knows that I do, but how can I not? to whom much is given, much is owed. I've been telling myself to step it up a notch, just settle down and start revising, to stop procrastinating. I keep procrastinating and it's getting really old really fast. I still have a few very important papers to sit for in less then a week and a major examination in less then 2 months. It seems like I'm half a year late, because i keep saying 'Oh i'll start doing my studying tomorrow.' But why do i still not see it as a priority when it's my ticket out of Secondary School life.

On a lighter note, things are looking a lil better, I'm keeping myself occupied. Gonna meet up with the girlie Jill today and then head over to Sann's and maybe just maybe I might club tonight with the lovely others. Friends are keeping me company through the night though it's a different feeling, I realise it's about time to move on no point pondering and crying myself to sleep. It's just not meant to be.

[Yo u' re N ot her e and I'm m i ss i n g yo u]

2003-09-07T19:26:00.000+08:00

Deal With My Heart
First and foremost Happy Birthday Dearest Kenneth. I can't message you since my phone's not with me and I don't memorize that number of yours. Well I do hope you had an enjoyable time last night, finally 18, a year older means a year wiser. Take good care ya.

I've been happy for a while, whether because of contentedness(if there's such a word) or just him, but now I feel like everything is sliding away from me. Yet another day, blurred vision, tears completely taken control of me, But not as much as making it my friend. I hate the fact that you mean something to me. I miss the late night calls from you. There's that empty void there, every phone call I receive I'd be hoping that it'll be from you. I hate it that you decided to end it now when I think that I might have just fallen for you but not back then when I told you that things just might not work out. I hate the fact that words such as "I love You" are thrown around so easily without commitment. It seems that there is no attachment to these words...They're just words. They don't really mean anything. I know that people say them very easily without conviction, it's so easy. But to mean them, that's something we all don't always know how to do. Was it truly all a lie to you? Right now I just want to stop feeling this way, I just want closure from the past.

I think I just mishandled something fragile that's mine. The broken pieces, I'm trying to fix it back together but they just won't budge and the glue won't fit. Even when I think that I've got it right, it's all mishaped. There's a missing piece. So I'll sit here and try to mend the cut from my heart, to make a piece and fix it. I'm doing my best at it, but you can't fix something that someone else is going to pick up and throw again.

[I ha te it t ha t I do n't hat e y o u]

2003-09-05T22:37:00.000+08:00

Days swiftly come and go....It's over
Tears stained my pillow, I walk around in a daze. I guess I was stupid to believe you. You said it was all a lie and you didn't want to hurt me any further, then why in the hell were we together in the first place. I was fooled once and now a second time. God tahyah didn't you see it coming? Oh no, actually I did but I just push that to the back of my mind and carried on with you. I guess you'll learn only when you've been hurt.

Isn't it just perfect timing when I'm stressing myself over prelims and here you tell me that it's over, that it won't work.
Doesnt that sound amusingly familiar. I liked you but thank god it wasn't love. Well there's no point brooding over it since I've seen it coming. Happiness was short lived. Nothing good comes and stays.
I'm glad I have friends around me. Specially to Hottie and Shar, Thank you for the day. You guys put a smile on my face.
I love you guys and not forgetting Ric, I love you dearly though we don't keep in contact as often but you're always by my side. Thank you.

Reality check... I still have more papers to sit for. Done three prelim papers and I don't aspect any good results out of it.
Heck the prelims then, I 'll just learn from my mistake and fucking study my arse off for 'Os' and that's that. I'm just gonna end here, it's getting harder to think and type with blurred vision.

Did you think that I would cry,
on the phone?
Do you know what it feels like,
being alone?
I'll find someone new

Swing, Swing, Swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again.

2003-09-01T20:45:00.000+08:00

To Hide In Fear

There were many times I smiled at you,
But I smiled so deep inside.
Afraid to show you too much,
All that I had to hide.

A past that had been stripped away
By a tide that washed me dry.
And a past so dark and hesitant,
Never knowing when to cry.

There were nights when I would look at you,
and see me in your eyes.
There were nights when I would cradle truth
forgetting all the lies.

And under all the make-believe,
My smile is all I hide.
And all the truth I keep from you
Is bottled deep inside.

I'm sorry that I've lied to you,
I'm sorry that I'm weak,
I'm sorry that I care for you,
But with words I cannot speak.

I'm ready to start over,
And have you as my friend
And start out fresh and new
to open up to you again.

Just give me time to trust to you
And try to comprehend,
That I'm tired of hiding from you
But a heart takes time to mend.

2003-09-01T20:39:00.000+08:00

Exams + Stressing = Growing Pains
Let's see... I've been stressing with the truck load of revision to do and it seems like it's not going anywhere.
I feel so helpless, I don't feel any sense of accomplishment, well probably, because I haven't exactly been doing anything much with the studies. Goodness I'm just going on and on about it and it's incredible that i'm typing at a very fast pace.
There's no point ranting about it actually cause it seems like I myself am procrastinating. This is an example:: I specifically told myself that I should be studying but noo here I am blogging away. Gees!

Apart from studying I did manage to squeeze in some time to meet up with the darlings in town.
Min, Leonard, Carmen, Trev, Alicia and Sann. Slacked in town and met a few familiar faces outside Far East.
Headed down Boat Quay with no intention to club at all, and I actually did not club, maybe because they were heading to Monks. Anyways Sann and I was minding our own business outside Hendrix trying to reach Kesh and we kind of asked the bouncer if he would allow us in for a teeny short while, and surprisingly he agreed! Saw Fiza girlie there and no one else in particular. That's about it I guess, Oh and the guy who got us in was helluva cute! eye candy for Sann and me. Well Sann wanted me to blog about it, So here it is dear the lil bit about Hendrix. HawHaw.

Prelims officially starts tomorrow. I'm soo soo S C R E W E D! Wish me luck, I sure as hell need it.
Ps/ Oh just to make things clear, to the lovely classmates, you all should know who you are.
Specially the ones thats been giving me all the smiles and grins. All that emotional rollercoaster thing was just wack!
It's nothing more then a minor crush.

2003-08-26T15:44:00.000+08:00

The Fuzzy feeling at the pit of my stomach
I just blogged a while ago and the whole entry just poof away. Oh how it piss me off! I've been too busy to update but finally I'm making time for blogger here in school. Lately things have been rather emotionally unexpecting, but all's good with him. I'm elated and have realise that I should be thankful for the things I have and should minus off some of those high expectations that I aspect from people especially him

Had dinner or should I say slacked at Simpang yesterday with Min, Leonard her friend and him. Had a lovely long walk him with him after that. Reached home and was too tired to even consider catching Friends and Smallville Woke up in the morning feeling uncomfortably weird and having difficulty to breathe. I thought of skipping school altogether but that special someone I had in mind made my day a lil better. I realise that I get this special butterfly feeling everytime that particular someone's around but no matter what no other will take his place. I think what's causing this symptom is the frequent habit of smoking which I oh so wanted to stop a long time ago.

Anyway what am I thinking? I don't think I'll manage to pull through prelims and not forgetting O's. Gees I'm not going anywhere. Staying in school till late doesnt seem to actually help. Take Maths, I have memorized all the tables, and then weeks later... Lost them all, being asked a question and then hit a brick wall at 800 miles an hour in my head, trying to find the answer.That's what I hate about the way I think the most. Being so bad, almost illiterate at math. Getting those nasty looks from teachers, while they think in thier minds, this girl's just gonna screw up her future.

Sometimes I realise that I babble on to much about 'what if' and writing long entries but getting nowhere like right now for example. Well I'm off to go read my scriptures.

2003-08-22T20:47:00.000+08:00

Reflections of a Mess I've Made
I've got a secret I closed my eyes and made that wish. Nothing that a falling star could do.
Crossed my fingers and hoped that it would come true.
I can't figure out what exactly is wrong with us, I'm tired of waking up each morning expecting it all to be ok. It hurts that I can't let go and all the walls are caving in on me. I hate to show that I've lost control because I keep going right back to the one thing I need to walk away from. I wish that the tears can be easily held back and not pretend like everythings ok. We have a problem and it's not going anywhere with us treating each other this way. Don't pretend that you can't seem to detect that somethings not right here, I can't believe that you're oblivious to it all. So where do I go from here?
A thousand times I questioned myself why I admit it that you hurt me I lost the game why was I not in control but I let that pass me by and pretend that we'll work through this. I dont know why, probably some how you broke through my defences, my protection from your sting. It's not that I need you to be there for me constantly but the least you could do is call. We've been through this over and over, its like you've numbed all senses I need to feel. Some girls can only take so much till they can't take no more I guess I'd rather lie and deny that I've been hurt by you before.

Things have been so strange lately. I feel kind of bad for coming across harsh on my classmate ::no need for mentioning of names:: I thought that's the only way you'd snap out of your so called shelled up life and listen. But life happens sometimes, and you get caught up and carried off and you forget to remember where you are.I'm always here if you need to talk to.

I realised that negative experiences arent bad signs. In fact its a blessing in disguise, try recognizing them instead for what they truly are, merely experiences, illusory and dreamlike. They can become a source of great blessings and accomplishment. So next time take this negative experiences and transform them into catalysts for realization. Don't you agree so?

I want to get a hair cut. A trim or probably just cut it real short. The weather's just soo hot and long hair's just a chore.
Should I, shouldn't I? Am still contemplating. I'm gonna stop all this rettling for now and stop procrastinating

2003-08-21T19:55:00.000+08:00

Manic Depression
I got home not long to an empty house. Found out that my grandmother fell and she's probably on her way to the hospital. Strange i'm still here blogging away. Recent events have been holding me back from concentrating on my studies. In a weeks time i'll be sitting for my prelims and i'm not prepared though the ocassional studying in school, that still won't help me pull through.

I think I inherited bipolar disorder also commonly known as manic depression from one of my family members. It involves major episodes of depression where you see your moods go back and forth opposite two emotional states.When you're depressed you tend to feel sad and hopeless and when you're manic you may be extremely angry, irritable or happy and physical energy. The cycle of this depression and mania can happen several times. I've notice this symptom a lot lately I feel like I'm riding on a rollercoaster of highs and lows. I need to calm myself down and control this disorder. I'm learning to deal with things and not run from my whole life.

I'm in a rush I'll update my blog another day perhaps. Love and Misses to the others.

2003-08-14T21:01:00.000+08:00

Fantasizing Realist
I'm gonna make this a snappy one. My comp's one of the many other computers that caught the worm virus therefore pardon the irregular entries. So I got my result for Malay O's yesterday. Didn't aspect much though I did my best, surprisingly I managed to pull through with a B4. I thought I'd be in the C5-6 range. I'm contemplating on whether I should retake yet again. The extra time could be spent doing revisions on the other weaker subjects but then again I'd hate myself if I put in a lil bit more effort and I might just squeeze in an A.

Oh not forgetting yesterday was 'Wear what you like Day' The different kids come together and you see a mixture of bad dress sense and all the 'wannabes'. Well I shan't probe further. Anyway something funny happened in class today, as I was leaning forward to pick up something that I accidentally dropped I myself slipped off my chair and fell. I didn't aspect the whole class to see that little drama but they did. Apart from that some of my classmates literally tried to strip me as they thought I had gotten myself a tattoo. HawHawHaw.

Shadow of memories flash to my eyes and I must thank you for letting me see all the things I miss if I did not feel the pain of being alone and sadness. At first I could not find that small fountain of hope that lifts me up. Had it not been for all the pain of the past I'll never learn. Yes I might repeat the mistake I made of walking away again in the future but the future can be changed, with the right moves, the right thoughts, the right heart - I move slowly so I can find all the detours marked at the side of the road. I would not like to get lost again and find my way back to the grubby lanes of a past which is rather difficult to mend. Do not judge me by those small incidental choices that mean so very little but which we judge so very high. What I had with you are my memories, my book, my footsteps no matter how big or small you've made an impact. For now I'll let my eyes memorise a different road, a brand new start, its contents waiting up ahead for me.

There have been moments where I almost wanted to cry. I have a feeling though that it would be one of those self-cleansing cries that leaves the soul purified afterwards. If only someone could just pour into me when I reach the brink of emotional explosion. Then they could see and feel what I'm going through. Open their eyes and see where I'm looking.

2003-08-10T23:05:00.000+08:00

Another Day, Nothings Changed
Okay, so i've been lax on the updating, which is terrible and awful and all things wrong.
Half way through changing my template I decided to drop it altogether, for now that is.
I'm tired yet i'm getting bored of my blog layout. Right now this isn't my top priority. So this could wait.

What have I been up to? Let's see,
There was Friday, I had lunch with my classmates. Shopped around, the usual laughing and crapping.
I love them so. Thanks guys for helping me picked out the shirt. I know i'm such a fussy worts, but it was lovely to have you guys there. Ring me up for our next lunch date together aight girlies? I gave Hendrix a pass, bet it was a helluva party that I missed. Anyways to the beauties Rach and Nicole, Happy Birthday love. Here's a kiss from me. -Schmuaks-
I wish I could have been there though. And what did I do on a Saturday, I slept and stayed in. Mum dropped by and we talked. The next few months will be different, it'll be hectic for her and she aspects me to compromise with a few changes. I guess i'll make do with that. Time have change and I realise that things doesn't only revolve around me. I cant be selfish of my needs. Well let's not go into details. I'm feeling all tensed. I want to get a massage. I have soo much to worry about and stress over, maybe a massage would do me good. Oh well let's ask mummy dearest if she could help me squezze in an appointment at the spa.

On a lighter note, I caught Legally Blonde again yesterday on StarMovies. If only it was that easy to get into Harvard.
I'll be on cloud 9 by now and breeze through my school life so much as to say without nothing to stress about.
I'm leaving school at the end of the year, I'll miss a lot of things. Like for instance National Day Celebrations especially this year's. Not forgetting my class, we've grown fond of each other. But then i'm sort of getting excited at the idea of going somewhere new and different. I just want to experience a different angle of life. And I want to meet new people and encounter new ways of life. I feel like, up until now, a lot of my life has been confined to a very cramped bell
jar.

"And what you thought was real in life, has somehow steered you wrong.
And now you just keep driving, trying to find where you belong.
I know you feel helpless now, and I know you feel alone.
That's the same road, that I'm on
I'm so tired of trying, it seems to me that every maybes' s means a no
So tell me when you might just let this go cause it seems to stand in both our ways."

2003-08-06T18:34:00.000+08:00

Self-Analysis Brings Depression
Was at Sarah's yesterday. We studied. Helped her with her Social Studies.
That girl got bored of getting the facts stored into her memory after hours of reading the book.
She was exhausted and annoyed. Ended up pouting and making silly faces when I tested her.
Well girlie it's only the prelims don't overdo yourself. You'll manage when you sit for the real thing. Don't worry!
The day was productive. Finished my long overdue Social Studies assignment and I studied for my Accounts test.
The Banner's up finally and as Sarah says, it's ugly but i beg to differ. It's pretty.
I got glitter all over me whenever I get close to the banner. I'm like a walking glitter girl. All over my arms and face.
I love I love I love my banner though there are better and prettier ones.

Only recently have I realised that when you introspect, when you look into yourself in order to change, there is always a wave of depression. There is always a moody wave which you have to battle against. During the accumulative process there is always a dualistic conflict and therefore a process of frustration. I've come to a conclusion that why bother trying to self-analyse when all it does is bring about depression? The significance of a human mind.
Complicated, Indecisive and not forgetting Ignorant at times.

2003-08-04T21:33:00.000+08:00

Straight Talking
You know when you wake up in the morning and everything's great,
the sun's shining and life is beautiful, it doesn't seem real how everything
can collapse around your ears by the end of the day. And even when it's happening
it feels like you're in a film. So what am I to do now in a sad case like this?
If possible I'd pour myself a vodka with a mixer. No actually I'd probably drink it neat.
The tragedy of it all.
I don't see a need to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Gees why blow it out of proportion.
Your constant threats of letting go. I just don't exactly get you and I don't know why i'm holding back either.
So where do we go from here? I'm loss, in the middle of nowhere right at this moment.

Ironically I was thinking of my father today. It was a sudden thought.
Most thing that as a child divorce was the worst thing that could have happened,
but it was the next best thing for me. I never did get to know my father on a personal level.
I do know that he left us when I was still a lil child. There was never an incestuous psychological relationship
going on between the both of us. I think subconsciously there's a huge well of resentment there.
At first I was furious that I have this parents, I blame myself.
But it's ok that this happened, I pulled through, it moulded me into the person I am today,
and yes I do have anger, I do have resentment, I am pissed off but then you'll start to grow,
and to live your life, everything will then fall in place. It's a proccess I have to work through.
And it will take a long time. It happens differently for different people, but it will happen
and I will then understand the vicious cycle of growing up.

2003-08-03T12:41:00.000+08:00

Finally taking a Breather
It's been a hectic week. School day in and day out.
Had my pft on Tuesday and the 2.4 on Friday. To top it off we had to finish the class banner.
I slacked hell lot this year and it shows in my pft results. The marks are just average
not on par with the previous results. I'm finally taking a breather till Monday comes.
I slept through Friday after my 2.4 and spent Saturday with my mum.
Caught Bad Boys 2. Hilarious shit. I recommend everyone to catch the movie.
I shopped and bought a new pair of flats. Stopped by Borders and skimmed through books.
Got myself a few books. Overall I'm satisfied with yesterday.

I can't say that my life is oh so perfect now but I make do with the things I have,
the friends i'm with and the family supporting me. I'm thankful for my mum.
Though her constant nagging she's the one that holds me down, keeping me in check.
She's different in many aspects and I love her for that.

I have nothing more to say. This is just a quick update just so that my blog don't look that dead.
I'll try to update once so often, the fun have worn off and blogger seems more like a chore.

2003-07-28T21:45:00.000+08:00

Living in denial
Where do I start?
So I met up with Sarah yesterday. She called and I agreed to meet.
I'm surprised that I agreed on it. Curious, yes I was to what is it that she has to say.
Or just maybe because I still do care, only thing is I never did bother to do anything about it.
I let my pride get in the way. Being stubborn, leaving in denial all the while claiming that all's good
and hiding the pain and regret behind a facade of indifference.
That brief period of time without her I feel like I'm isolated in a crazy town with nowhere to go and no one to talk to.
No one that got along well like she and I. So all this while I was denying myself, taking the easy way out
at the end of a rough situation.

This morning I woke up thinking about recent events that occured and the 'what ifs' that I oh so often heard.
And when does 'what ifs' end anyhows? I have nothing to say, I get lost in the nothingness inside of me.
I'm confused, I let it all out to find but all the vacancy the words revealed with these things in my mind
is the only real thing that I've got left to feel. Nothing to lose just stuck hollow and alone.

2003-07-27T14:34:00.000+08:00

Silent Contemplation
And finally I caught 2 fast 2 furious.
Midnight movie on Friday, didn't club.
It's been the same the past 2 weeks,
Anyway back to the movie, it was alright
better than the first part I should say. I lovee the Cars and Tyrese's funny.
Oh Suki's ugly by the way, she looks like a plastic doll.

I had Lawry's for dinner yesterday with the mom.
Did the usual catching up which we do once so often
since she's busy with work and me busy with my own schedule.
We talked about everything, from dating to studies and work.
I'm glad to have her as a mom, there's this special bond we have,
Different from other regular teenage child and their mom.
Though she do irritate and annoy me half the time but no doubt I love her.

Being hurt is part of life. Drama is part of life. Living is a part of life.
I finally realize that this is what I should have done from the beginning,
forget about the past since the past is just the past.
I'll admit that I've done some things that would turn a few heads,
but hey I had to learn lifes lessons the hard way.
I was basically left to my own devices and the new me is just the result.
I am far from perfect, Everyones life is different, Everyone makes mistakes,
and Everyone is morally responsible for their own actions.

Well I have nothing more to say, I'm doing this for the sake of updating it.
I update blogger infrequently now that I don't know what to say in it anymore.
The words that I type are stored somewhere far away from me,
existing for only a brief moment of time before they fade away.

2003-07-25T14:06:00.000+08:00

The Reality of Confusion's Chaos
I'm compelled to type at incredible speed
so that i can get everything out of my head.
I thought for a while that maybe all I do
in life is regress everything over and over again.
I just maybe change the words around a bit
and then act as if it's a revelation.

So yesterday was fun.
I was ripped of my mind of reality's confusion.
I laughed, jumped, shout at the top of my lungs.
Finally the video recording's over.
We're happy with the whole outcome,
though the starting introduction
was rather dry and a lil to long but all's good.
Class picture and a photo session for the Members only.

The past couple of weeks have been surreal in an uncomprehendable way,
I see myself smiling everyday, spending my time with the classmates
and being all merry.
But at the same time, routine has grounded me.
It's that feeling of things are going well, maybe too well,
and i'm waiting for something horrible to happen,
money to run out, friends to leave, or maybe even something worse.
But why do i have to rationalize or bring down anything good that happens.
The thoughts of "this can't last" run through my head,
but i'm slowly learning how to ignore the little insignificant voice
in the back of my head.
I think I'm learning how to live, how to breath,
and most importantly, how to be.

Anyways I caught Bachelorette yesterday night.
The question is Why can't we stop watching reality Tv?
Maybe it's just that Reality Tv presents people in familiar situation.
Watching real people squirming in the network spotlight
can also prompt a "thank-God-it's-not-me"
sense of superiority. And no matter how bad a situation
we go through, we've never embarrassed ourselves on Tv,
Thank god for that.
One of the great ironies about these programmes,
of course is that they are manifestly unreal.
This programmes are all unscripted drama.

I've done things I said I wouldn't do,
I've had my heart smashed only to have it put back together
in an odd, but workable way.
I've gotten closer to a few friends
when I thought they were growing further away.

Well I'm off I need to rest.
I'm drained. Much love to the sweeties and darlings.

2003-07-23T22:38:00.000+08:00

Post Modern Existentialist Anxiety
I spent the last few hours writing this.
Maybe that's a little exaggerated, It didn't take hours.
Instead of cleaning up the mess and the other
hundred and one things I should get done
but here I am. Still I suppose this counts
as being productive.

It started as a joke yesterday
but we carried on with the nonsense
we came up the day before.
We're unable to stop.
Yet another day of rehearsal.
What more can I say, it was fun good time.
Was at the canteen and watched a few
sec 2.7 girls practising for their talentime.
Since they were in need of steps
we helped them a little.
They're nice bunch of girls.
Left at 7. It felt like old times,
when we stayed in school till late
for cheerleading practices.
Crapped and bitched with a few
helluva choatic bunch of girls.
The 101% effort we commit in it.
Not exactly actually, cause basically we fooled
around and when the event drawed near
then did we finally came up with moves for our cheer.
I miss those days. These are the memories that will exist.

There would be a point where
I should stop questioning myself.
Well that itself is a self-demonstration,
Before I completed typing that I already
knew that I of course do have a limit to my questions,
I just can't possibly acknowledge it.
I'm not making sense and still blabbering on and on.
I hate uttering flourid bullshit.

I like to watch the embers in my rearview mirror crash
and scatter in one last chaotic dance, then linger in the street.

2003-07-22T21:29:00.000+08:00

Daily Routine of my School Life
So school have been great.
It seems like my life revolves around it.
Every entry has got to do with time
spent in school and being with the classmates.
I'm not complaining here cause i'm having
helluva enjoyable time with them.
They've grown on me and I'm surprise
at how I could mingle with almost all of them.
Back then I never wanted to,
I refer them as those typical mungent kids.

Stayed back in school till late today.
Rehearsed for the Video shoot yet again.
It's occupying most of my time.
We joked, poked fun at each others old self pictures
laughed, composed silly lyrics to end our shoot.
Was in the canteen and sitting with a few
of my classmates. Some of the Malay girls in class
started conversing in Malay and poking fun
at a certain classmate of mine.
Not forgetting she was next to us!
The other Chinese girls caught the drift
and joined in the fun.
We laughed till our stomache hurt
throughout the whole entire conversation.
We called our self the Happy Club Members
and recited stupid and crude vows.
It was hilarious.
Day well spent though it was spent in School.

Oh and Min don't forget that we should meet up soon.
I want to get the brown pair of flats.
Dinner soon aight?

I question myself, What am I doing with my Life?
I'm still procrastinating on my studies.
7 weeks to prelims and i'm not doing anything.
Yes I do pay attention but that's just it.
After the lesson ends it stops there and that's that.
I don't give two hoots about the books when i reach home.
Time constraint. I'm gonna make every day count.
Get down to doing serious intensive studying.
Half the battle's won by setting my mind to doing it.
Now to settle down and do what I've just set my mind to.
All talk and not getting to it is all pointless.

t a h y a h`

2003-07-21T18:36:00.000+08:00

When I look back years down the road
Celebrated Racial Harmony Day.
All dressed up in the different
ethnic costume.
Here and there I see girls in Sari.
Everyone seems to dig wearing them.
But I like them too, looks gorgeous.
Loads and loads of pretty pictures taken.
Our Grad night video shoot coming up soon.
I'm glad we came to a conclusion
and settled down with the idea today,
Not forgetting we managed to squeeze in time
to come up with the National Day banner for our class.
Everything seems on track.
The class can get rather annoying and rowdy
but i'm able to work with that.
For 4 and a half years I've stuck with them,
what's the difference if I tolerated 5 more months.

Come to think of it Secondary School life's
coming to an end.
I wish for a wonderful closure.
One without looking back with regrets.
That I've made good use of the time in school.
A great part of me will miss the friends I made in this lifetime.
From Sec 1 till now.
The grow and change in friends.
From this friend to another group of friends,
and each of this people were different in a lot of aspects.
They were lovely friends in their own special ways.
Not forgetting teacher's.
They're the ones, chasing for homeworks,
ranting on and on about us being imbeciles
and how chatty and annoying we can be.
Well not forgetting them drowning us with their knowledge
of the subject they aced in.
It'll be part of the memories in Secondary School life
I'll never want to forget.

I'm tired and sleepy
burned out, stressed, pressured.
Gees I need a break,
but then again i took to much break
this whole semester.
Time to pull up my socks.
God I do hope to make it in one piece
by the end of this whole school semester.

t a h y a h`

2003-07-19T10:40:00.000+08:00

Delirious
English Orals today.
My voice was giving me trouble.
Having bad sore-throat
but it went well i should say.
Left for home and i'm darn tired
but here i am blogging.

Yesterday met up with Min after a long time.
Did our catching up on all the old fond times.
Laughed hell lot. Simpang for dinner.
Been a while since our last visit.
I enjoyed my day.
Should do it once a while.

Racial Harmony day on Monday,
I'm hoping on getting a Sari
maybe i'll give Mustafa(is that how it's spelled) centre
a visit.

And i wasn't naming you the bitch here.
I was reffering to the person who called me one.
Is that what it is now, name-calling each other?
If you read it a second time,
I didn't state or called anyone a bitch.
I took that quit message from a certain someone
who i assumed was reffering it to me.
Well if it isn't then i'm sorry but like i said
no pun intended. ::read(Nickee)

t a h y a h`

2003-07-17T15:45:00.000+08:00

Speechless and Amused
Class agreed on the idea i proposed.
Am glad that ours would be different from the rest.
Malay Orals yesterday.
I stuttered and stammered during reading.
The conversation part left me stumped.
I was clueless and ended up uttering rubbish.
Gees i was made looking like a fool
in front of the two strangers.
God it was the longest ten minutes,
but i doubt mine even lasted ten minutes
it was shorter than that since most of the time
i sat there staring at the two of them
waiting to be prompted.
Thank god it's over anyway though i did badly.

My body's aching from the p.e lessons.
My hands are hurting.
Please do remind me to not do p.e ever again.
It's unbearable.
I left school with Hot yesterday.
She's such a bitch but i still love her.
Her sms yesterday made me laugh.
Thanks girlie, not forgetting Jolene.
Always passing notes to each other during lessons.
And to Min thanks for the advice too, you wont be reading
this I assume but you'll pull through.
Study hard and aim high. You'll make it on your own ya.
We'll meet up one day for dinner. Simpang it'll be? -winks-

(Never knew you wud turn out to be like one of thoz BITCHES ..
Juz hopin you'll realise your mistakes ..))
Not intending to post names here
and no pun intended to the one who left that
but if that was directed towards me,
I think you got to be kidding.
So a bitch I am for choosing what i stand by.
Thanks a lot, call yourself a friend back then,
but you're very quick to judge on what i've become now
a bitch that is to you.
Gees I'm speechless, I'm amused by how girls
react to situations like this when it deals with friendships.
They tend to call each other names when it's over. Haha.
Well whatever it is nobody's perfect.
To each his own opinion.

t a h y a h`

2003-07-15T21:59:00.000+08:00

Trying to Adapt
I'm keeping myself busy.
I have a class video shoot coming up
and we're all getting together trying
to get things a-proper.
105 more days to O levels and i'm out of that place.
Not that simple, i'm scared, not prepared and what nots.
I'm in charge of myself here and i'm lost
with thousand and one questions going through my mind.
Will i make it? Where will i go after this?

Things are looking a lil better.
School and tutorials occupies my time.
I'm getting accustomed to waking up at six
and preparing for school.
It very much fill half my time daily.
No time to sit and ponder and that's
very much what i like.
I would love to just sit back and enjoy
the smell of coffee and breeze through
all this smoothly. Live in my own surreal world.
I'm picking up where i left off.
Setting things straight and getting work done.
I'll pull through.

Thanks for the wonderful times spent.

t a h y a h`

2003-07-14T20:55:00.000+08:00

It's Us not anyone else
I don't know what's going on in that mind of yours either.
Maybe it was for the better to walk out on all this,
me being left alone, but then i don't want us to
end the wonderful friendship we had.
I'm at a lost, confused state of mind and i don't exactly
know what i want here, and don't emphasis on only you,
I'm hurt here too, it took a lot for me to just look you square
in the eye to say what i said. Please you're not going
through this alone here, it was us both,
but now it's you and me.
I'm sitting here crying too not going anywhere with this tears,
not knowing what to do. I see that you depend very much
on the rest. Why does it matter so much?
Isn't this our friendship that we're talking about?
I hate it that it's so easy for them to judge and agree that i've changed.
Seriously i don't see any reason for them to voice out any opinion
when the past week do they exactly know what's been going on?
Am I the one here whose in the wrong for not keeping in touch?
Then shouldn't it be vice versa too? Do i hear from you guys? No.
Don't get me wrong, no pun intended here.

I have to deal with so much and yes you too,
Life's not on my side at this moment.
I have no answers to what's become of all this,
and in the first place what exactly is the cause of it all.
I thought what we had would last longer,
well i thought wrong and maybe it's just my fault,
I'm to blame. I was the selfish one the one calling the shots.
I want to work things out, make it all ok.
It's not that simple, everytime i'm about to try,
something draws me back.
I don't want to cry myself to sleep or neither do i want
to look back years later and regret what i've done.
Losing a best friend who was there, who shared my views.
Or am i just suppose to be alone?
I never did stick to anyone for long.
I had a 2 years friendship with my best friend back then
and she was the one and only, no one could replace her,
till you came along. I enjoyed every late nights and meeting ups.

I'm going on and on in a circle,
not knowing what i want.
I am who i am and i judge myself.
Say what you guys want to say,
I don't give two hoots about it.
I think it's between Sarah and me to decide and resolve this.

And yes i contradict myself a lot.
I'm an indecisive child
who says things on impulse at times.

t a h y a h`

2003-07-14T16:19:00.000+08:00

Well i can truthfully say i dont know who is worth my friendship and who isn't. No one can blame me for the doubts i have.
So, you wanna end all ties with me Tayah? you wanna end all ties with all of us? You have left me speechless and terribly
disappointed. I can't believe you are able to look me in the eyes and say what you did today. I can't believe you at all!
I seriously wished i knew what was going on in that mind of yours, because right now, we have not the slightest idea.
Lets not talk about the rest. What about me? Do i mean nothing now? Yes, perhaps i am not as important as your
studies, but how could you say all that? Yeah i know i'm sounding all so retarded here, but i am so stunned. I am so hurt.
What has become of you? Why won't you admit that you have been at fault too, and that someway or another you have
changed. Why arent' we allowed to think that way of you? Afterall we are/were your friends, and when we sense this certain change in you, we'd voice it out. Try to let you know, can't we?
Don't say i am the stubborn one, because if so, why do the rest agree with me?! Don't you see Tayah, stop being so
selfish will you, i want very badly to save this friendship...but do you really not want to? Okay i know you've made urself
very clear already....i'm not gonna get down on my knees and beg you whosoever,

Thanks a lot and i enjoyed every moment spent as well. I can't believe i have to say what i have to on one fucking
stupid online piece of shit. But thats how we communicate huh. So be it.

The blog's all yours. Since you said you wanted this to be a 'clean break'.
I am so tired of crying, my effort put into this friendship has gone down the drain...

Sarah.

Delete this entry when you're finished. Or you know what, whatever..do whatever you want.

2003-07-13T16:53:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I Sleep with the Moon
Changed the blogskin.
The old one's getting pretty dull to look at.
I have other better things to do//read::Homeworks
but here i am procrastinating, doing every other thing
accept for the school work.

I hate being by myself as i tend to wonder.
Sometimes i wonder will i ever make it through life,
I hate the point in life when there were periods
of sadness, anger and grief,
But then there are times when i felt elated and safe
and it begins to outnumber the times when
I felt sad and frightened.
I now realize that there are things
in life and about my past that i cannot change
especially the times i wish not to re-enact.
I know that this part of my life will never go away entirely,
but it has begun to take a less prominent place in my existence.
I have begun to allow other thoughts to enter my mind,
and have a better understanding of myself.
I'm not afraid to set limits and to think about what the future holds.
Years down the road much later i can look back on this time
and realise what it was for - a period of growth and self discovery.

t a h y a h`

2003-07-12T20:19:00.000+08:00

It's cold. Tell me it is. It's freezing.
Currently wearing 2 tops and an fbt. Not forgetting my sweater over, which makes that 3.
Rained heavily whilst i was sleeping, and no one bothered to pull the covers over me, so i practically froze in bed.
where were you, mom.

ANYWAY, sat for Mock Exam today. Had English paper 2 and Math paper 1.
Everyone was takin' it real lightly. 'Especially Sann. She slept through the English paper and only woke to copy when it
was right about time to hand it up. Silly girl she. Probably wasn't in the mood for a test on Saturday. Come to think
of it, Who is? Besides, Mel? She didnt even show up. Went for our short break and it was back to facing another white sheet. Math 1, so its called. I don't think it was Math ONE at all, we all had the use of a calculator. Haha, passin' it back and forth. Was really crappy...we got the Math expert to yell her answers and formulas. Talk about serious. *rolls eyes*

Home and slept till 6. Woken up by Neeeek's smses and bloody Ricco's call. HAHA, i can't even recall what i said.
So sorry Ric, case of bad timing! Now i have no idea how to get hold of you, do you still have your handphone?

Kayes then, i don't know what else i'm gonna do right now..since Derek's farrr to lazy to come and meet me. But then again i understand, since he spent the night yesturday and accompanied me to school...he must be dead tired.
Till tomorrow then!

Toodles.

sarah`. [ do it, don't just say it. Prove it with your actions.]

2003-07-12T18:53:00.000+08:00

Hendrix after such a long time
Was in town for a short while.
Didn't plan on clubbing though
but somehow i ended up there.
Met up with the girlies.
I see them once a week
and contratry to what's been said,
we seem to enjoy each other's company
and forgetting the situation that we have not deal with.
We don't make time to talk.
Yes maybe i've been caught up with my own self
but i'd rather us be like old times then now.
Not knowing where each of us stand in
this friendship we have. So is it all superficial?
But i still do love them,
yes i contradict myself a lot.

Hendrix was alright, nothing great.
A few eye candies.
There was this particular one though -winks at nickee-
Darling went off early instead.
He didn't club.
Supper and home it was.

I wanna shop:: Retail-theraphy.
Sale everywhere but have not seen anything
that catches the eye.
I did get a top from Mango.
I have loads of 'I want list' a few have been striked off
and loads more to go.

Am off for dinner.
I miss my friends, i miss my best friend,
I miss the times we were all together 24/7.
I miss my old friends that's still not forgotten.

t a h y a h`
c r a z y . d e l i r i o u s

2003-07-11T17:12:00.000+08:00

Whirlwind Rollercoaster Ride
Been busy with school day in and day out,
and loving it. Getting along fine with my classmates.
I've been procrastinating on the homeworks,
Well procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. ;p
Town yesterday, Caught Charlie's Angels.
Unrealistically funny.
Took my mind off stuff that i didn't want to think about.
Wonderful dinner with my mum.
Did our catching up. Told her about school,
General views on my plans and hopes.
Didn't intend to get into the nitty gritty bits
of my life. Didn't want to get all emotional.

I'm lost, confused, upset, hurt, angry,
life can do a really sharp turn on you
all of a sudden, and i half expected that.
Whose to judge whether i have change,
or am to caught up with myself. That's up to me to decide.
Maybe the problem lies in me,
and sometimes to make the right choices in life,
you have to get in touch with your soul,
and to do this, you need to experience solitude,
which most people are afraid of, because in silence
you hear the truth and know the solutions.
I dont have the answers to everything.
I hate it that all this is happening but if things do
go wayward and at its wits end without a solution
I will always remember the times i shared with them,
times i would never want to forget.
The laughter and tears, the bitching sessions.

t a h y a h`
'Weep not for the memories'

2003-07-09T00:26:00.000+08:00

I wish there was some way i could keep up with time. It moves at such a fast pace, i'm really lacking behind.
I know not what i've done wrong, all i tried to do was the right. Can't you all see that? Do you not realise?
There's so much bugging me. It's you, and you and you and you. It's all of that-put together,
leavin' me with this horrible feeling of confusion and despair. You've become so selfish, you've become less understanding.
You've changed. You all have...or was i blinded by my ideal world of the perfect friends, of the perfect people to love.
You all hardly know a thing thats been going on. 'Especially you. What do you know? Tell me something you know very
well at this very moment in time. Oh, save it...you don't even need to say a word. I know best now.
I've called. I've tried my entire best with smses and which bill is reaching sky high. Do you even bother to reply?
I guess not and you cover up with "I don't see a need to" Thanks a lot. I see my effort is bloody going down the
drain. It is the least appreciated. Tell me truthfully if you still bloody care. I don't need the attitude, save the one word,
one line replies. I'm sick of trying. You all arent the only ones with problems and troubles to handle? Don't everyone else
too? I'm not an exception. I'm just like you. I have my major examinations to take. My family to manage. Social life, love life, whatever life...you should know 'em all. You are sensible enough. or so i thought?
Anyway, i have not the slightest idea why i posted this entry. I have no intentions of starting up another misunderstanding. I just don't know any other way to get my point across. I hope this helps in a sorta way.
You need to call me sometime....if you consider what we have- meaningful.

sarah`.
[i hope the tone of this entry doesn't sound very rude.]

2003-07-08T21:32:00.000+08:00

Living in a surreal world
School today.
My mind was debating on whether to sleep in.
But i grudgingly dragged myself out of bed
and off i went to prepare for school.
It's a chore to wake up in the mornings.
How ironic that i attend school,
when most of the time my mind is elsewhere
or rather knocking off after a while.
I gotta wake up and start getting my act together.
I'm gonna do it once and ace it,
no more early mornings for me next year.

Lunch at Kenny Roger's with my classmates.
Was hell full to the brim.
Bitched, window-shopped, eye-candies.
I just love them so.
I'm glad i have them to pull me through my secondary school life.
Thanks girlies:: Hottie, Charlene and my darling Jolene.
Yes i only spend my time with them on school days
but i'm making an effort to be there for them.
We'll make it through O's together aight? Much love darls.

I'm waking up and changing this fairly odd life i'm leaving in.
I do wish to see myself somewhere doing what i love,
5-8 years down the road. I'm making great effort to attend school
and the next step is to sit myself in class and pay attention,
getting homeworks done would be top priority too.
I know i'm able to manage. -crosses fingers-

t a h y a h`

2003-07-07T20:24:00.000+08:00

In my mind i still see the day that we met,
We got through the awkward times,
And quickly came to be,
The best of friends.
She knew my every weakness,
And the problems I've been dealt.
She understood my wonders,
And listened to my dreams.
She listened to how I felt about life,
And knew what it all means.
She understood what I was going through,
And promised she'd stay long
The closer we grew the more
We left the other world behind,
It was just this friend and me but recently
We both realized at once that it was the bond that we lacked
And now looking to my left and right
I come to realise to see that
She is not there.
I wish to reach out to this friend
To show her that i care and
How much I need her there.
But thanks for always being there when times got rough,
You make it easier when times get too tough
Thanks for being there each and every day,
Thanks for being you in that very special way.

t a h y a h`

2003-07-06T16:58:00.000+08:00

Havent blogged in decades. So, where do i begin...how about Yesturday, since Tayah kinda mentioned Friday.
Tanning at Sentosa. With Mel, Jason, Trev, Carmen, Sann, Mal and I...Sann and i had a tough time dragging ourselves
outta bed, since it was kinda gloomy and dark on the East side. We didn't really feel like heading out. Slept on till i was
woken up by Drowning Carmen-*winks. Only to found out yesturday that she can't swim and thats why Mal brought along
the little tyre float. Haha, but it was fun, 'cos she fell off her float twice, and i "saved" her. In the toliet, we saw a stripping
middle aged woman. It was sooo disgusting. Trev couldnt even look. But Sann and i saw everything. Yeeps. Everything. Well, its nothing shameful, but just grossed out, cus her fats were bulging out and so were
her breasts which were all saggy and ....i'll cut the details.
Headed to Town, had honey chicken rice, delicious! Didnt stay for long 'cus i had to leave and Sann had a cousin's bdae
to attend. So we left together and i ended up there too. Was A LOT of fun can? Haha, we slapped each other hi-5s all.
:) Sannn...u'll know what i'm talking about. :)
And home home homeeee it was. That was a Saturday for you. Did i forget to mention anything about Studying? No.
Cos' i so didnt. and i'm just screwed.
Thus, spent today doing a lil' work. Have got places to go ...but im far to lazy. Shall just go take a shower right now,
and see where i land at.
Toodles.

Sarah`[you disappointed me in every thinkable way.]

2003-07-05T23:35:00.000+08:00

Sense of Euphoria
I was filled with elation
when i met up with the sweethearts yesterday.
Mel,Nickee,Sarah,Sann,Mal,Trev,Carmen,Ricco
Yes i still do love them and i thank god for them.
I guess the petty misunderstandings
back then have been resolved.
It might not be the same as way back
but being together once in a while
is just one of those precious moments for the keeping.
Town it was. Catched a late night movie.
Dumb & Dumberer//read::waste of money/crap
Home and town again just now.
Same old same old people.
B O R I N G! did nothing.

I'm feeling good now, a lot better.
I'm happy that i have my friends back.
Though like i said it might not be the same,
I still love them so very much.
I can go on and on about the lovely times
we had together, Basically over at Sann's
and our favourite meal, chicken fillet! -winks at Trev-
I love you all and i'm just so sorry that
mishaps just had to occur amongst us all.
Much love.

Bestie
What's done can't be undone and now i know it's different,
No denying that. I'm hoping time will mend the
whole situation a lot faster and it'll be
us like old times. I don't see a need for a sorry
because i don't think i did wrong,
i just wanted alone time and i am entitled to
take a break from it all and just lay back and
step out of all my troubles and gather my
thoughts together. But i do know that i could
have minus away the attitude.
I still love you all the same.
You were there from the start of this wonderful friendship,
We share the same views and we get each other perfectly well,
The late night talks and time spent together were a blast.
I miss you.

t a h y a h`
the . i r o n y . of . it . all

2003-07-04T18:23:00.000+08:00

It's been a while.
Comp was down so here i am.
Posting a quickie before off i head down town.
Its been a week now since school started.
Not bad after all, gotta learn to love school.
Savour the Secondary school life and,
In less then 5 months i'm out of it.

Life as it seems is not going that well.
I have issues to deal with and i just dont know
how to go about in resolving them.
Part of me wants to just let it be and not bother.
Maybe i'm better of alone.
Bury myself under the books and be oblivious to the surroundings.
Achieve high-flying results with proper qualifications.
But heck i can't help but be bothered by recent events.
Gees god gives me so much to handle,
I'm depressed no doubt and i'm weak from carrying this burden.
Take this trouble away from me please.
The friends, the studies and everything else
i just want to breeze through life the easy way.

t a h y a h`

2003-06-28T23:03:00.000+08:00

They say time heals all wounds
Over time wounds may heal
some other problems may arise
and I just have to realize
that sometimes you just can't compromise.
and you should not be swayed by the lies.
Life is cyclic like a wheel
always turning, always changing
old wounds disappear
leaving a wound that's rearging
itself to cover up for what's gone.
still there but in different form
it stays through dusk, it stays through dawn.
Back to the begining, is where i want to go,
but that couldn't, for the same pattern would flow.
and it can't happen, yes I know.
and all i am left to do, is wait
until you come back to reality's state.
and hope the time doesn't come to late.
A broken heart mends over time
reconstructs, but there is still a hole left behind
Believe me when I say I love you,
but don't be surprised if our relationship is through.
it's not because of me, it's because of you.
because the confusion I just cannot stand.
on solid ground I want to land,
not in slowly sinking sand.
The peices of the puzzle all scattered
some missing or broken,
it did some damage, but never really mattered
didn't really make a big difference at the end
not as efficent, as it was before
time healed, and no one noticed a difference
except for where the broken peices fall
but time can fix that too.

t a h y a h`

2003-06-28T18:28:00.000+08:00

D a m a g e d
I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that I've been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time

[BRIDGE]
And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you

[CHORUS]

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if you're all mine
I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through
Don't know what you got yourself into

And I really really really care (And I care about you so much)
And I really really really want you (I really do want you)
And I think I'm kinda scared (But I'm scared with every touch)
Cos I don't want to lose you (Cos I don't want to lose you)
If you really really really care (If you care for me like you say)
Then maybe you can hang through (Then maybe you can hang through)
I hope you understand (I hope you understand)
It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you, you)

My heart's at a low (low)
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (I think you should know)
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love (I'm falling in love)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged (I think you should know that)

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage (I'm so much to manage)
I think you should know that (I think you should know that)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged)
I'm falling in love (I love you so)
There's one disadvantage (I love you so)
I think you should know that I've been damaged

And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you (It's nothing to you)

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (Ooh I think you should know I've been damaged)
I've been damaged (I've been damaged baby)
I'm falling in love (Falling in love with you baby, yeah)
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

t a h y a h`

2003-06-27T19:05:00.000+08:00

It's friday, It's F R I D A Y!
and i'm planning to stay home.
Not going out, gonna finish up all
the holiday homeworks that i oh so
deliberately chucked aside.
God school Monday. I can go on and on
and whine about how much i detest school
but i'd rather not.
I've been cooped up at home yesterday
and once again today. Was out with the family
wednesday. It's nice that things are going fine
and that i could communicate with them.
Trying to work out the differences.

Amazing
I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy
To see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was going insane
Trying to walk through the pain
When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
I thought I could leave
But couldn't get out the door
I was so sick and tired
Of living a lie
I was wishing that I would die
It's amazing
With the blink of an eye
You finally see the light
And when the moment arrives
you know you'll be alright
And i'm saying a pray
for the desperate hearts tonight.

t a h y a h`

2003-06-25T15:16:00.000+08:00

Town with Bestie.
There to meet up with Derek and Bert
but they stood us up. Gees.
Could have spent that time catching on my sleep first.
Met up with Gene and Neeek at Mambo.
Before we left for Marina those two even had
time for a game of Daytona. tsk tsk. haha.

Dinner at MarinaSouth with 19 others.
Celebrated Neeek's Birthday and NS boy (Ryann)
reporting for duty today.
Basically the whole BC entourage.
Didn't had much to eat. Was still full.
The NS boy with his bald head
was photographer cum news reporter.
Loads and loads of pictures taken.
I likkee! haha.

Went to the break water to booze.
Chivas in the house.
The place wasn't all that nice to sit around at.
Flies or whatever that is flying around
and creepy crawlies.
After a while off we went rushing for the
last train.
Shaun, Gene, Kel, Mark, Rach went boozing
again at Katong i guess.
Silly billy's dragged us out of the train
expecting us to join them. But luckily
there was a last train. Ricco, Sarah, Angie, Jann
and i headed home instead.

Good food and Good company = Great Night!

Love love

t a h y a h`

2003-06-22T23:24:00.000+08:00

Lunch with the family.
Was being the good one by attending it
since it has been a while since
i last attended any family events.
Gave Sentosa a miss. Celebrating Ryann's last
time together before off he goes to NS.
Would be nice to have been there but
was being the nice child and so family lunch it was.
Sorry all, but love love anyways.

Sarah called and said she was off to shop around
on her own since she planned on skipping mass.
I felt bad seeing her roaming around alone
so i offered to accompany her. Missed Gilmore Girls though. Dang!
But it was all good. Mango was having some clearance sale.
Good shit. Prolly be back next week to get a few tops.
Same goes for the Bestie.
Walked around. In and out of shops we go.
Poking fun at those funny/weird looking tops and shirts.
Sarah reckoned that most store salesperson
won't want us stepping into their stores since
we have not one good comment but poking fun
at the clothes on display. -winks at bestie- haha.

Basically money was spent on finger food.
That girl keeps wanting to munch on something.
Overall day was good. Not bad. Laughed hell lot.
Love you dear. Great time with you around.

Been thinking a lot and
i can't believe i'm contemplating
on the situation. Gees not good.
I'm lost.

t a h y a h`

2003-06-22T17:48:00.000+08:00

Ok. I soo have to get outta here right now. Have got "mass" to attend. Gonna be meeting Tayah instead. Can't believe her,
giving up Gilmore girls for me? Haha..awww...'cos she felt so bad that i'll be walkin' around by myself. Yeahh..bloody Derek.
Always keep till the very last minute to lemmie know of stuff. Now i have nowhere to go. Okay, i'm actually sneaking this
entry. Am supposed to be on a bus on the way to church now..but thankfully my parents are out so, im just gonna stick around here a littttttle while more. I guess everyone's at Sentosa now...soo sorry i'm unable to make it, supposely to attend the morning mass with Derek but plans were changed and i slept on. Unknowingly. No one called either, so...im sorry anyhow.
Okay then...i'm outta here.

sarah`.

2003-06-21T18:36:00.000+08:00

Mentally i'm wide awake but physically i'm hell drained.
Now been blog hopping and it seems like
almost everyone have blogged about last night's happening.
Hendrix was a blast. Ryann's last clubbing night.
The whole BC crew and us not to forget were there.
Danced, podiumed a little to but much later.
The rest left to booze at river bay coffeeshop,
and it was Nickee dearest Bert Kel and me left in the club.
Small minor fight happened between Jason and Bert.
I find it silly. Oh wells whatever.
Most of them came back high. haha funny shit.

Photos and more and more photos.
Outside Drix, under pass.
The BC crew, us and some others.
We made helluva lot of noise. Gees.
But it was great fun.
Nicole was being very chatty.
She was going on and on and on.
Nicole + high, major talking. haha.
Supper at Golden Cafe.
Shaun and his crap.
Shan't go any further since the Bestie have blogged abt it
and so has Nicole and Eugene.

Love love to all of them. Yesterday was a blast.

t a h y a h`
where do we go from here

2003-06-21T18:21:00.000+08:00

Alright here i am, restless and drained. But yet kindly making the effort to update on yesturday's Happenings. Yeah it kinda was, good crowd. Fine music. Many familar faces and no major fights and what not. Almost the whole BC was down and we had many shots taken. Haha, with certain people whom i hardly even know. I can't even recall who were in the photos. Just knew there were many...Nicole, Joyce? Haha...yeah we'll see. When they are developed. Followed Neeek to join some others who were boozing away with god-knows how many bottles of beer they opened. It was hilarious...they cheered to the crappiest things...like Spongebobsquarepants and 2months of friendship, yadda yadda...glasses all raised up high. Shaun's glass even broke and to think he wanted to drink from it. That silly bugger. Makin' a heelllot of noise! Black-cating away like there's no BlackCat anymore. Ordered BlackCat Hor Fun somemore..haha, what a dork. Well well i had a good time. Such a pity Mel left so soon. Was hoping we'd get a shot of the 4 of us. Anyhow...Tayah stayed the 'morning' once again and it was retarded. We were just stoning away with the
buzzing sound lingering in our heads. Laid on the floor 'cus we stinked bad and chatted loads. We even took a picture of our ulgy selves, our hair in disarray and whatever make-up smudged all over. Haha.
Right and that's Friday/Saturday for you.

Turned down the job today...only to tell Mel like at the very last minute. Melll dear, I'm soo sorry.
I slept a veryyy late?/ early? 7am. I can't possibly make it down...knowing me. Sleep is bloody important. Sleep is more
important than..going to church! Anyhow, i certainly hope you won't stay mad for long. :]

Attended tuition at Sann's. There goes the 60bucks i COULD have made. Accompanied by the Bestie cus we were kinda
lookin' forward to the Mango sale. Probably some clearance sale or somesort. But we were far too lazy and lethargic to
drag our feet any further. Besides, Gwen said it's friggin' packed and the clothes are definately in a mess. Perhaps people
even took leave to check out. It was THAT crowded. Ahh whatever Mango. It's so common. It'll be dumb to see another
in town havin' the same top worn.

I suppose thats it then...gonna knock off real soon.......

sarah`.
Bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bouce.........

2003-06-20T14:33:00.000+08:00

Worked on my darling Nickee's blog.
Changed her blogskin. Thank god i managed to get it up.
Was frustrated and annoyed at first.
the whole blog was in a total shamble.
First thing i did when i got up was to re-do everything.
So here i am done with the blog. It's up now Nickee sweets.
School yesterday. Wasn't that bad but for just an hour.
Was a waste of time actually. After that it was pretty
much a slack day. Lunch with the classmates.
Been a while, Did the usual catching-up's.
Crapped, Bitched and oh there were this annoying
bunch of secondary sch goers but they
were behaving like lil kiddo's.
Gosh the noise they make. Unbearable.

To the Bestie::
Sorry girlie i have not been talking to you that much.
Everytime you call i'm always up to something.
Either the blog or just being on-line and
you know i can't multi-task.
But no matter what you know you my love!

Drix tonight. Ryann's last clubbing night.
That boy will be off to NS. Him with shaven head.
Hmm....can't really picture that though. heh.

y o u*
When i say i like you i do
But this with you will not do
I need someone i can lean on
I need someone i can count on

And yes you are there sometimes
For that i am grateful to you
But i need someone there full time
And that you cannot do

You told me once you'll always be there
And that i could believe in you
I was there when you needed someone
But where were you
When i needed that someone by my side?

The time has come for me to let go
Never to expect you to care again
People may come people may go
Leaving an impact in one's life
But as the saying goes 'Life goes on'

t a h y a h`
i still do think of you

2003-06-19T20:42:00.000+08:00

Harsh words and hidden secrets that nobody knows
So many tricks and so many lies
Burnt out, wasted and empty
Today's just yesterday's tomorrow
Don't expect much i'm warped and twisted
A simple void, is that what i've become?
The hollowed sephere on the pendulum
Swinging back and forth
Never once stopping nor slowing the motion
No reason, no anwser, no justification,
Just passing through time as time passes me by
Slowly i fade in and out of reality
My heart empty my soul torn apart
Wondering where i went wrong
but only to find there is no answer
Leaving me empty

t a h y a h`

2003-06-19T00:35:00.000+08:00

After the much whining and complaining
i ended up not going to school. Heh.
Should have just joined Shaun, Kel, Gene and Rach
at some coffeeshop they were at yesterday. Sheesh.
Home the whole day yet again.
Cleaned my room, changed the sheets
and yada yada. Helped with the house cleaning too.
Was being the good child that i usually never am.
Accounts lesson tomorrow or should i say later.
Gotta attend it this time no going back on my words!

Oh and Rachie darl sorry, the Ok counter looks stranded.
Like out of place. I might try putting it elsewhere soon.
-prays i dont screw it up-

Am in those reminiscent mood.
Thoughts running through my mind
the 'what ifs' and 'if only'.
But then again there's always a reason
to why things ended up the way it had to.
No point pondering about it.
Reality check, life goes on as it is.

t a h y a h`
i . m i s s . y o u

2003-06-18T00:40:00.000+08:00

Boring Boring Boring.
I've been at home the past two days.
School for me tomorrow.
The dreaded Accounts lesson.
I have a stack of holiday assignments
to be done by the end of June and i've
yet to touch it. I purposely chucked it somewhere
and now it's time for me to go looking for
those work of mine.
Quoted by a teacher on one of the piece
of assigned sheet:: 'Finally, the long awaited
holidays are here. I believe you have been waiting
for this holiday to put aside your books, go shopping,
spend some time with family and friends and catch up
with your sleep. However i still have to carry out this duty
assigning Holiday homework'
My my do the teachers know what we're gonna be up to
and then why the truckload of h.w? Gees cut us some slack
will ya. How ironic that they can go on asking us to enjoy
our holidays yada yada but then calling us back for lessons
and assigning homeworks like there's no tomorrow.
And hell we weren't looking forward to the holidays
with a whole lot of work piling on us.

Whining and complaining.
Well that's me.
Nothing interesting on a boring casual day at home.

+All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something+

t a h y a h`

2003-06-17T18:14:00.000+08:00

5.45pm. A slow-moving Tuesday. Derek just left. He went home for dinner and will be returning soon. Glad he's still having his holiday and thus, be able to accompany me to school tomorrow. School tomorrow- I am so doomed. The homework assigned lays dead-still on my desk. Neat and Untouched. This year's been really tough. Sars should have broke out last year. Now this so called 'holiday' doesn't even seem like one. And doing catching up right now is gonna be difficult. I played too much and the results proved it all. Remorse and regrets. I will do something about it. I have to. Enough about that then...

Yesturday was a bore. Home all day till Derek came over with dinner. Pepperoni pizza! 2 to add. :) Did nothing of what Shaun mentioned. *rolls eyes* and slept an early 2am. Took someMORE shots so there's 16 saved for Friday.

I'm off to vaccum my room now. Yes Tayah? I DO clean up my room you know. I do housework too. Furthermore, without getting paid. Ha!

Toodles yall.

Sarah`

2003-06-16T20:47:00.000+08:00

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears from behind my eyes but i do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that i'm hearing are starting to get old
Things have gone astray
Now we've thrown it all away

You know i'm not that strong
Sometimes i'm sitting here thinking about you
and the days we used to share
I'm just wondering if you still care?
But i'm gonna let you pass and i'll go last
Then time will tell just who fell and who's been left behind
When you go your way and i go mine

Words exchanged now running through my mind
I've said to much and went to far
It's clear that there's nothing to be said now
It all ends the same way.

t a h y a h`

2003-06-16T00:05:00.000+08:00

S to the A to the R to the A to the Hhh.

Finally home after a whole day of walking, on heels! They hurt so bad....

*Looks down at Tayah's entry* Okay, i see my dearie has blogged EXACTLY everything there is to be said for today.
Yups, A biggg Thanks to Shaun, bEstie, Ric, Gene, Rach, MEL!, Jason..aha, and of course Derek and Bert for makin' the effort to come on down. It kinda meant a lot to me. Sadly Nickee had to work so that means, no Ryan as well. Could have taken some really good shots there. Wasted Darius couldnt make it either, but sweet that he msged to explain why and suggested we should meet up sometime soon. Miss that lil' birdie. And its suchhh a pity Alison couldn't find us 3! Would love to have taken a picture of the 4 of us.-Gwen, Alison, Dyan and I. But anyhow...can't wait to get the photos developed. Thanks Shaun! for bringing the cam, and Ric, for the film. p/s: i know you didnt steal it. :) Ooyeah, so glad i got a shot with Nicholas my catechist[is that how you spell it?] Love him lotsa`
Bert sure looks betta eh. Hahaha, now Tayah...you can go consider him Back again huh? Since you have a fetish for...___.

So, caught Finding Nemo, hoorays. Haha, after a whole lot of whinning in Tayah's face. It was good. Practically laughing
throughout the entire movie. It's hilarious...considering the fact that its just a 3D flick. Cartoony.

Now...left Tampines and headed to Elias Mall in a cab...Father's Day dinner. Crabs, sharks' fin-these two are enough to
tempt me down! Filling it sure was.

Gambled a lil' Gin just now, with my sister and Aunts. Lost. Once again. Luck's just really down on me.
Opened some of the confirmation gifts...got a bible.....and those other Holy Holy stuff. :)

Am really beat now. Shall sleep early tonight. Not too sure about Sentosa darling, i really need the rest.
Ok then. Today was a real swell day. Love all who turned up veryyy much, and not forgettin' Nickee and Ryan. :)
Nights!

2003-06-15T23:30:00.000+08:00

Sarah's confirmation today.
That girl looked gorgeous! heh.
There with Ric, Shaun, Gene, Rach.
Mel and Jason popped by for a while.
Sacian's, Patrician's and Kcian's
made up half the congregation there just now.
Front-Back-Left-Right you see those familiar faces.
Pictures pictures and more pictures.
Usually i'd be the first to grab hold of the camera
and start clicking away but ironically i didn't
go crazy for the camera just now.
Lunch at Tampines us and Derek, Sann, Min,
Bert(gosh he looks much or shd i say way better looking now)
Catched finding Nemo with Shaun, Ric and the Bestie.
Never did i intend on ever watching the show.
Thanks to the much whining of the Bestie i decided
to and anyway's it was her confirmation day so gotta
cut her some slack. heh. ;p
Surprisingly the show was nice. Hell comical.

Home now.
Sentosa tomorrow?
Am still contemplating.

Where did we went wrong
Where did it all crash
When did it start to fall apart
Tell me the words i never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the assurance
you once promised to be mine
or has it just vanished for all time?
I close my eyes and dream of you
and then i realize
there's more to life then only bitterness and lies.
Time to wake up and smell the coffee.

t a h y a h`

2003-06-15T03:11:00.000+08:00

Here goes a snappy entry since its really late now and i gotta wake real early. It's THEE big day tomorrow! Well, for me that is. Pretty excited and nervous at the same time. I hope nothing turns out wrong.
Okay then...like i said. I'm gonna make this real short and i mean it. Went Tampines like what Tayah has already blogged. And kinda bumped into Mrs BOO. yeah, or rather, i hell did bump into Mrs BOO. Furthermore, with a ciggy in my mouth. Hell what luck! Haha, and all she could say was "ahh..smoking ahh." and off she swept past me, along with her kiddo. Didn't get down to looking at her child's[if it even is] face. Wonder if its just like hers. Hahaha. Alright. Mean ol' me. Saw Mrs Tay at the Bra section as well. Haha, wearinggg....some bloody ulgy-looking skirt and heels to add! I think i prefer her in those shorts and t-shirt yeah.
Would love to state the number of things i wanna buy too, but some other time i guess.
Beauty bed-Here i come!

Sarah`.

2003-06-15T02:18:00.000+08:00

well i'm on the brink, of something horrible
Just what it is i'm not to sure
But I can't take it anymore (round 1 fight)

I can't explain the feeling that I feel,
I'm not even sure that they're for real
Doesn't work to end in sour tales
Go to sleep so I can wake up
Wondering why things are this way
What the fuck did I say?
To make you hate me any way

i'm on the brink, I lost my self control
I didn't think that this would happen to me anymore
Just want to be a babe for once

I can;t explain the feelings that I feel,
I'm not even sure if they're for real
Doesn't work to end in sour tales
Go to sleep so I can wake up
Wondering why things are this way
What the fuck did I say?
To make you hate me any way (you lose)

2003-06-15T01:31:00.000+08:00

Desperately trying to focus
through blurred vision
walking in the mess
that my life has become
Trying to see the answer
I know to be there
I lack the necessary energy to tidy up
the messed up life
unable to see the fine,
distinguishable lines
of its shape
the colors run together
the harder I attempt to focus
the more distant the answer becomes
finding the strength
withing myself alone is a daunting task.

t a h y a h`

2003-06-14T22:15:00.000+08:00

Out with the bestie.
To tampines we go to look for her cardi.
There was this really lovely cardi at G2000
but the price was way out of league.
For a cardigan i don't think it's worth it.
Anyways eyeing on two levi's, but it's either one.
Sushi for us and more window shopping.

The list of things to get
+The 577 levi's or the other model.
+Dirty Green thong
+Mango tops a few pretty ones.
+New flats.
+Oh i wanna pierce my belly 48 buckeroos.
+Another pair of bikini
Now for the cash. If only money comes by easily.
Dang!

Watched MTV Movie Awards just now.
The show was helluva funny.
Slapstick jokes and comical impersonations.

::Can't help if I space in a daze,
My eyes tune out the other way,
I may switch off and go in a daydream,
In this head my thoughts are deep,
But sometimes I can't even speak,
Would someone be and not pretend? I'm off again in my World::

t a h y a h`

2003-06-14T02:14:00.001+08:00

Time on a stand-still. Moving ever so slowly.
And at that point of hour it seems endless.
That is how i'm feeling now.
Doing practically nothing just staring at this
screen of mine, Comment box is annoying
us. One minute it's up the next it's down.
God, cut me some slack.

Was chatting on line to this particular someone.
We used to be close. All of us.
Come to think about it, I miss those times.
Without a doubt that is.
It's just one of the memories for the keeping.
The times spent cracking jokes, meeting up.
And yes i love you guys but things have change.
Different views and cirumstances we all are in now.
Like i said to you::
If only it was possible to rewind time,
Undo the wrong, hurtful words not exchanged.
But then again there's always a reason
why this happened.
Sometimes life isn't what we plan it to be.

+ My heart's at a low, I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that, I've been damaged+

t a h y a h`

2003-06-14T02:14:00.000+08:00

Time on a stand-still. Moving ever so slowly.
And at that point the hour seems endless.
That is how i'm feeling now.
Doing practically nothing just staring at this
screen of mine. Comment box is annoying
us. One minute it's up the next it's down.
God, cut me some slack.

Was chatting on line to this particular someone.
We used to be close. All of us.
Come to think about it, I miss those times.
Without a doubt that is.
It's just one of the memories for the keeping.
The times spent cracking jokes, meeting up.
And yes i love you guys but things have change.
Different views and cirumstances we all are in now.
Like i said to you::
If only it was possible to rewind time,
Undo the wrong, hurtful words not exchanged.
But then again there's always a reason
why this happened.
Sometimes life isn't what we plan it to be.

+ My heart's at a low, I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that, I've been damaged+

t a h y a h`

2003-06-13T19:41:00.000+08:00

Watching the days burning out like a cigarette, just a few drags to go.
You built me up and you broke me down, somehow
Everything just seemed so clear to me, nothing left to know
I'll love you right and i'll love you pure, right now

How can you say, that its too late
To save us now

And I would wait for you, if you would wait for me
And i will Wait for you, if you will wait for me

Intoxicated, the edge is serrated, so easily torn from the core
I blushed the first time, but you blushed the last time my eyes hit your mind
Regenerated these feelings of hatred, i long for your love ever more
You built me up and you broke me down this time

And I would wait for you, if you would wait for me
And i will Wait for you, if you will wait for me

How can you say that its too late, to save us now
How can you say;

2003-06-13T16:47:00.000+08:00

Now now, enough of changing the templates.
I'm just gonna settle on this.
I think the bestie is getting pretty annoyed to.
Me changing and re-changing the layout.

Posted an entry the day before yesterday
but it didnt publish. Argh!

Here's the recap so far.

Tuesday
East Coast at night.
Sarah's and Mel's class bbq.
Was alright nothing fancyful or extravagant.
Over to the Bestie's place. Slept over.

Wednesday
Town. Mel, Nickee, Sarah & Jason.
Shopped for Sarah's confirmation clothes.
Helluva long. We were pacing back and forth
around town going to one shop after another.
Ricco, Shaun and Kelvin joined us much later.
The rest left and us five slacked outside Taka
before we headed home. With Shaun and Kel
around, non-stop laughing. Those two silly billy's.
Wonderful day i shd say.

Thursday
Pmsing whole day. Killer Back Crams.
God i hate mens. Stayed home in the end.
Didn't bother to step out of the house.
Poor mum, planned a day out with Sann and me
but we cancelled it. She was soo looking forward
to do some shopping. Dang and i could have
gotten some shopping done too.

Today
Still contemplating on whether to club or not to.
I wanna get out of here. B O R I N G!

Well enough said. So like the sand through
the our glass so are the days of my live! heh.

t a h y a h

2003-06-12T19:00:00.000+08:00

Ironic isnt it? I am able to help others with their comment boxes and not my own.
Alright...just gonna attempt again. laters.

2003-06-12T02:43:00.000+08:00

Shall post a snappy entry since its really late now and the eyes are getting heavy. It's been a long day, including yesturday, had a recollection at the church to attend. That pretty much took up the whole Tuesday..since it was a solid 9hrs or so. Got a lift from Sann's dad to East Coast for the 'class bbq'. Sure didnt seem like one...barely 1/4 of the class
was there. Had all these other schoolmates from the various classes. So they say, i probably had a
lil' too much to drink...however i doubt. I was speaking fine wasnt i? It was only difficult to control the way i walked. Tayah stayed the 'night' and left early morning.

Town today, hell my legs are aching. I'm sure we covered the whole stretch of it. One end to the other. Entering stores
after stores. Jason, Mel, Tayah, Me. --Nickee, Shaun, Kelvin, Ric. Dinner at Yoshi's. :) And Martin i saw. *winks. Yeah, he
does carry off Purple well. Saw Nic, Rachel and Mark too...and a couple' other people i think. Boardshorts guy........
Hmm. Well anyway, thanks all for being so patient in helping me decide on the confirmation clothes. I jolly know it took
hell long...and i'm really appreciative. :)

That about sums it all up i guess...so hungry i am, but hell the tiredness will overcome it.
Toodles yall.

sarah`
:I do sit down and think of you. How way-back we have gone, and how far we sure have come. I miss you.:

In fact theres' many to be missed...then again, perhaps you may not feel the same way.

2003-06-09T20:33:00.000+08:00

Malay paper today.
One paper down in the middle of the year
and still many more to go.
The paper was alright, i could say that
I did put my all and really tried my very best
to attempt and answer all questions.
For the compo, i wrote two english words
out of the whole story. Am pretty proud to say
that it was way better then the usual mid-years
and intensive training which i oh so deliberately
used english sentences. haha.
Hoping for the best results! -crosses fingers-

Went swimming at Jolene's place.
Hottie decided to join us. Intended to tann ourselves,
but the sun was irritatingly annoying us.
It keeps going off and coming back.
So there we were swimming, crapping
being our silly selves, holiday have finally kicked in!
but the down-side to it is that teacher's are calling
us back like we ourselves have no social life
and things to attend to. Argh! Oh not to forget
the oh so wondeful truck load of assignments
given out to be completed by the end of June.
Gosh.

Everybody else thanks for the concern.
Eye is much better now though it looks
like i'm using blackish-grey eyeshadow
for the left eye. heh.
I love you all.
Don't need for a list of names.
You guys know who you are.
|you know you my L O V E|

+All along you were being fake,
saying that this was all a mistake,
You just gotta learn to accept people's flaw.
Nobody ain't perfect and that includes you.
Just quit being a bitch+

t a h y a h`

2003-06-08T01:25:00.000+08:00

Fuck can't even get the scroll bar for the entry box.
And so the entry layout will just expand.
If you people get what i'm rambling about.
Comment box is not even up either. ARGH!

Report book taking in the evening.
Parent-teacher-Conference.
I thought Mrs.Lim would have hell
bad stuff to say about me and just
make me feel more demoralised but
she was alright after all.
Mum had loads to say but it basically
boils down to Me. Me taking charge of my life.
The school and her can go so far and i myself
have to put in effort to attend school and do my best
if i want to get to where i wanna be.

Well Hendrix yesterday.
The earlier part of it was alright.
Nearing closing time it was horrible.
Things happened were uncalled for.
I didn't even retaliate.
After all that we still head over for supper,
Goledn Cafe after all the drama.
Was nice being with the others.
Thanks to all you guys. I love you so!

Bestie's place after that.
She's such a sweetie.
Talked and basically re-enact the
highlight of the night.
I love you honey.
And yes i seriously need help with this blog.
It's pissing me of.

t a h y a h`

2003-06-06T00:03:00.000+08:00

A new url, everything a new.

Report book collecting tmr.
God, i'm just so dead.
Every subject would be underlined in red.
Monday...Malay O's. tsk tsk.
Forget getting an A1.

Ok tomorrow. The ever hesitating me.
Club or not to? Will see to that.
Everybody seems to be heading down drix.
Argh. I hate being fickle and not coming to
a conclusion.

+Am i suppose to act disturbed about all these?
Do i have to wake up and smell the coffee?
Am i suppose to live up to your expectations?
Hell i don't think so. I don't need to please everyone.
If you don't like the attitude then stop bitching about me.
Losing a friend who isn't worth it, doesn't harm me+

t a h y a h`

2003-06-04T17:38:00.000+08:00

getting this blog a proper.
testing still